Of all of the emails that I get from wives struggling to deal with their husband's affair, topics about dealing with or confronting the mistress are perhaps the most common. Women want to know if they should attempt to find out who this woman is, if they should confront her, if they should talk to her when she keeps calling, or if they can believe anything that she says or does. Many also want to know the best way to get revenge on her. Some even want to appeal to her sense of decency, hoping to convince her to leave the husband alone. (Hint: she's already shown that she doesn't have any decency. Negotiating with her is a waste of time.) In the following article, I'll tell you what I often tell my reader's about a husband's mistress.
Why Having Anything To Do With Your Husband's Mistress Almost Always Turns Out Bad: Almost without fail, the wives who report back about their interactions with the other woman are completely unsatisfied with how things went down. Most of the time, meeting with her brings about more questions than answers. It actually just makes you feel worse and more frustrated. A lot of the time, she will paint the husband as the one who initiated the whole thing, while she is the innocent one. She will give you the version of the story which paints her in the most flattering light. However, this version is often just not accurate.
Sometimes, wives want to see what she looks like, only to discover that she's not at all what you imagined. This just makes processing all of this more impossible. Because, the only one who can define why your husband carried on with her and what your husband saw in her is your husband himself. Most times, wives are looking for this information from the wrong person. The mistress knows nothing about your life or your objections. In truth, she is and should remain a stranger to you. By allowing her into your life, you're giving her WAY too much power over you.
Whether You Want To Save Your Marriage Or Not, You Should Not Allow The Mistress Into Your Life: If you want to save your marriage, you want to get this woman out of your life immediately, not allow her into it. Your best case scenario is to banish her altogether and completely. You don't want for you or your husband to think about her or to interact with her. And, this is the opposite of what she wants. In order for her to be successful, she needs to position herself in your world. She needs to get a strong hold on your husband and your life. Fight her every inch of the way here if you want to save your marriage. Communicating with her, confronting her, or seeking revenge are all ways of giving her an "in." Resist this at all costs.
If you are going to walk away from the marriage, you still want to steer clear of her. Why? Because even if you know that they deserve each other, you can't have the constant reminder of the pain and betrayal. You want to allow yourself to heal and she is not part of that equation. Your healing is going to depend on your ability to put this behind you. You can't do that if you're constantly in touch with her or having to deal with her. Shut the door on her immediately, Slam it right in her face. She doesn't deserve to ease her conscience or to satisfy her curiosity about what's going on with you.
When You Win And She Looses: What the mistress doesn't want is for you to remain whole. Even if she didn't initially set out to hurt anyone, she knew that her actions were going to have consequences. Yet, she moved forward anyway. She has drawn a line in the sand. Some wives will tell me: "well, she's won. She's got my husband. I'm the odd man out." This makes when cringe when I hear this. Because really, the only way that she wins is if you let her. If you want your husband away from her, take him back. If they deserve each other, great, let them go. But, respect and love yourself enough to rise above this. Don't allow her to continue to hurt and weaken you.
In truth, you emerge the winner when you don't allow this to beat you. Statistically, most men who cheat come back to their wives or at least eventually end the affair. Your husband will see her as a mistake eventually. And, when he does, she's going to be a lot more desolate if she's wallowing in her own misery all alone - with out your husband and without you bearing witness. What she doesn't want is your happiness. Make absolutely sure that you have that, whether you end up with your husband or not. Then, you've won and she's lost. All she has is regret and loneliness because both you and your husband have moved on and have left her in the dust.
By Katie Lersch
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